Roller Coaster

My life right now is a seriously insane roller coaster, with corkscrews, loops, ups and downs and a whole lot of twists. Getting through this semester is going to be an experience that I'm not so sure I'm ready for. Projects and assignments coming out my ears already, and right now, I can't even handle myself. My thoughts and feelings are everywhere, to the point where I can't even keep up with them. One day, I'm happy as a bumblebee and the next, I feel like a loser with no friends who sucks at life. I guess that's part of life, but I can't seem to handle it lately. Am I going through a mid-life crisis? At 19?! I tell myself everyday to be happy and look at the positive in things, and to be nice to everyone because everyone is fighting their own battle, but I look around and everyone seems so happy. So... why? I guess everyone else is just better at hiding their feelings.. or something. One day, hopefully soon, I will be able to look at things I used to freak out about, and laugh. Hopefully I'll just be able to live life, and not worry about all the stupid little things, and go through my day with a REAL smile on my face, not one that is pasted on (when I'm even able to do that). I've been working on this for quite a while now and you would not believe how hard it is for me! I'm amazed at what a truly moody, emotional, depressing person I can be. Thank heavens for friends who take me as I am and help me to become a better person and the person I ultimately want to be.

Perfection.

Sometimes life sucks, but sometimes life couldn't get better. It's those little moments that can make the difference. Tonight, I walked outside and there was a full orange moon low in the sky. There was a warm, gentle breeze in the air that made me feel at home. I called my mom because I just couldn't resist. I had to talk to her right then! At that moment, I felt like life couldn't get any better. I felt perfect. There was a storm coming in and I could see lighting and hear thunder rumble in the distance. It was already 10:00 at night, but my night was just starting. After talking to my parents for 30 minutes or so, outside in the beautiful weather, telling them how excited I was to see them in a month, I hung up the phone and made myself a hamburger :) About two minutes later, Malissa came over and we decided to go to the Park and enjoy the amazing weather outside and the storm that was passing through. Kylee, Kelsee, Malissa and I took pictures and walked around the park, simply loving life! The two little hours or so that I spent tonight being completely content with life, were two hours that made me realize something. Yes, sometimes life sucks, but it's those little moments like tonight that make life all worth it. No one in this world is perfect. But there is such a thing as a perfect moment. Tonight I experienced some of the most simple but perfect moments I could ask for. That's what I call perfection :)

Gotta Be Somebody

These lyrics by Nickelback pretty much just sum up what I want to say :) I LOVE this song <3

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of, but dreams just aren't enough,
So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling,
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen.
So I'll be holding my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with.

Cause' nobody wants to be the last one there.
Cause' everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
Theres gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause' nobody wants to do it on their own,
Everyone wants to know they're not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
Theres gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight, out on the street out in the moonlight
and dang it this feels too right
its just like deja vu, me standing here with you
so ill be holding my breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with....

Cause' nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause' everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
Theres gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause' nobody wants to do it on their own
Cause everyone wants to know their not alone,
Theres somebody else that feels the same somewhere
Theres gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can't give up
When your looking for the diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holdin on
Cause it could be the one,
The one you're waiting on.

Cause' nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
Theres gotta be somebody for me

Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
Theres someone else that feels the same somewhere
Theres gotta be somebody for me out there.

-Nickelback

This One Is Dedicated To My Family...

Well.... I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last few weeks, and it won't seem to go away. Now don't get me wrong, Idaho is amazing. I couldn't ask for anything more. I love it here and can't even remember the last time I was genuinely this happy. But I can't lie. Being away from home and my family has gotten harder the last few months. Mothers' Day was last Sunday, and I have to admit, it was a hard day for me. Of course, I talked with my mom on the phone and before we hung up, she told me she loved me, as always. But this time it was more than that. And I don't even think it was the fact that it was Mothers' Day. I had been thinking about a home a lot, and it just so happens, it was Mothers' Day when I fell apart. I miss home. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss Jeff. I miss Eric. And I miss Tim. And I even miss my puppy! And I miss my house. Not just my home, but my house! Have you heard that song by Miranda Lambert "The House That Built Me?" Well thats what my house is. It is literally the house that built me. It is the house I grew up in. From the day I came home from the hospital almost 19 years ago to the day I left for college. Do you want to know how many times I've laughed and cried and screamed and just brushed my teeth in that house? I can't even start to count. There is just something about that house that I can't even put into words. It truly is my home. And I'm not sure I will ever be able to call anyplace else my real home. I may move around and learn to love the places I'm at, for instance, Rexburg, Idaho, but it will never be Prescott, Arizona.
I watched the movie, "The Last Song" tonight, and both times I've seen it, the main thing I get out of it is the family relationship. Not the love and "romance" parts. I cry in that movie because I think of my little brother. And my dad. I don't think I show it enough. Actually I KNOW I don't show it enough, how much I love them. When I call home, I talk to my mom. I tell HER everything thats going on in my life. I tell HER whats wrong and whats right. I never talk to my dad and brother. And I don't know why... I don't think either one of them are going to read this, but I hope they know how much I love them. My dad, can I just say, is an amazing man. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've gotten upset with him for just watching out for me and making sure everything is going to work out for me. And I've realized that the reason I get upset with him so easily is because I know he will forgive me. I take advantage of his kind heart and don't worry about whats going to happen because I know he'll forgive me. He is the most supportive, loving father I could ever ask for, and I know he just wants whats best for me, but he's gonna make me work for it. I love my Dad.
My little brother. Ha. Same thing. He is one of the most forgiving people I've ever known. And I get mad at him for the same reasons as my dad. I just don't think about it and I take my anger out on him, because I know he will forgive me, and I know he will always love me. I don't think Tim knows how much I appreciate him. Even though I may not act like it a lot of times, I love him so much and care about him all the time! When someone talks bad about him, it makes me so mad! And I get really defensive. I am so grateful for Tim, and I don't know what I would do without him.
Now, for my two big brothers. Gosh. I hope they know that I look up to them so much. And I brag about them all the time. I'm probably one of the proudest little sisters in the whole wide world. haha The funny thing is, they have always intimidated me. And they still do sometimes. Sometimes it's like I don't feel cool enough to be their sister or something. I really don't think they're going to read this so thats why I'm going to say this. If they do read it, well the truth is out. ha. I've never had the best relationship with them. Especially Eric. And it really breaks my heart. Seriously, the first time he told me he loved me, I think I almost died. haha And I won't go into detail, but that night at TGIFridays, when Eric left for New Jersey, was the first time I really, truly realized how much I loved my family and Eric especially. After that, with Eric not there with Jeff all the time, I had the opportunity to strengthen my relationship with Jeff. And to this day, I am so grateful for that. I feel like I can really talk to him. And I feel like he truly loves and cares for me. And I don't think he understands what that means to me. I just wish it was the same with Eric. I wish I could talk to him the way I can talk to Jeff. But no matter what, I hope they both know how much I love them! And how much I look up to them both! They are amazing boys, and I am so blessed to have them as my big brothers.
Lastly, for my mom. Well. I don't think it is even possible to put into words. Or it would take literally forever to explain it! To me, she is the most amazing woman in the whole world. She pretty much made me who am I today and she is one of the biggest reasons as to why I am even able to survive on my own. I owe my life to her, or at least a great big hug (Which I could really use right now). I think about her everyday, and everyday I am grateful for her and the HUGE influence she has had on me my whole life. I love her so much. She is my best friend and no one could EVER replace her.
And for puppy. I love him. And I miss him. A LOT! I need him :(
My family is my whole life. I love them them more than they could ever imagine. All I want is the best for them. I can't wait for the day when we are all together again, because I miss it. I miss the FHEs when we would laugh and just have fun! And I even miss the FHEs when we would all be grumpy and Jeff and Eric would suck at the game just so they could get out and leave early. hahaha Oh man. I would give anything to do that again.
Well...I think I've said enough. :) Goodnight!

Living In The Moment

Before you read this, just be warned. This is deep. Really deep. :) haha But it's my thoughts. That's what a blog is supposed to be, right?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about....choices people make....and why people do the things they do when they know the things they know. Have you ever thought about that? I mean, people know drugs are bad, and that they kill you, so why do people still do them? I'm not gonna go into complete detail, but you get the jist. I'm sure you can think of some more on your own. Anyways, unexpected things happen to people all the time. Whether its good or bad. Some things you have no control over, and you just gotta hope and pray that things will turn up, but other things happen because of decisions or choices we make. Sometimes things even happen to us because of choices other people make. What I'm trying to get at is, things are gonna happen to us, good and bad, no matter what, and we have no control over that. But we do have control over the choices we make and how we want to live our lives. When something happens, you can choose how you want to react to it and how you want to live your life afterwards. You can decide for yourself whether you want it to change your whole life, or just be something that passes through. But when something bad happens, and it is clearly you're fault, I don't wanna hear any complaints. I know I sound really harsh right now, but a lot of times, horrible things happen because of stupid choices people make, and its sad, it really is.... but if someone hadn't made that dumb decision, that horrible thing may not have happened.

Alright, so do me a favor. Think about your life. Think about the choices you're making. Are they the things you REALLY want to be doing? Are they the things that are truly going to make you happy in the end? Sometimes it's ok to live in the moment, but sometimes you gotta think twice and make sure that living in that moment isn't going to affect the rest of your life. Do you really want to have fun for an hour and compromise so much? And possibly live with regrets the rest of your life? I don't know, it's your choice, but I personally would think twice about it.

Ok, so ya, I'm kind of a hypocrite. I'm not perfect. No one is. I've made bad decisions. But I've learned from them. And I'm not saying I'll never make a bad decision ever again, but sometimes it just takes people longer to realize things than it does for other people. You have to realize it for yourself. I just hope that you realize it before its too late. I know that there are people in and out of this world who wish they could have gone back and changed ONE little decision. Don't be one of those people. So go for it, live in the moment, but before you do, make sure it's not going to ruin every moment after.

Like A Bird

I learned something today: Things change. I went to the Kirkham ballet studio today, planning on dancing my little heart out for the first time in about 3 months. There is something that only dancers can understand. I simply call it being trapped inside your body. Dance is so much more than simply movement. It is an expression. A way of showing your emotions and passions through the movements. For me, it is a stress reliever. But mostly, a true passion. I feel like not dancing these last few months has been killing me slowly. So, I thought I'd go to the studio and get out of my body for a while. Well, since I have never taken such a long break from dancing, little did I know that dancing wouldn't be as easy and breezy as it used to be. I walked into that dance studio thinking, "man, this is gonna be great. I can't wait to FLY." But as I started dancing, I got tired extremely fast. I had no endurance. I had little strength. I couldn't fly like I used to be able to. It used to be so easy. I used to feel like a bird. And today, I felt like a bird that forgot how to fly. I left the dance studio still feeling trapped. Still feeling like I could do better. But I couldn't. I had no energy left. I had no endurance. No strength. No wings.

I know that when you don't do something for a while, you lose your touch. You get out of shape. I know that if I went back to dancing everyday, I would be fine, but I won't be doing that. And not dancing is just going to make me worse. Going from dancing almost everyday for 13 years to not dancing at all has been hard enough. Seeing and feeling what I did today made me cry. I'm not gonna lie. It was hard to see myself like that. Going from my prime to this is breaking my heart. Oh how I would love to dance next semester. At least a couple days a week. But I don't have time. And the only thing worse than how I felt today, is stopping dance completely, and losing my passion. I can't let that happen. Although my education and starting my career is very important, I'm not going to let it ruin my first true passion. Dance. I want with all my heart to feel like a bird again. I don't know when that will happen again. I don't know when I will have the time to get back to the way I was before, but I will make it happen. Even if I have to wait until I'm out of college. I will be like a bird again.