This is life.

Do you ever feel trapped? Or weak? Or just plain tired? I do. This semester, school isn't bad. It really isn't. My schedule is pretty light and I've had an unbelievable amount of free time, but in ways, this semester has already been harder than others. I guess I'm in that time of my life when things are just hard. I mean there are hard times no matter where you are in life, but now is.... just different.

College is my life. It's everything right now, and all the things that come with it: dating, making money any way you can, roommates, school work, wondering if I'm gonna get that internship I so desperately need this summer, trying to stay healthy, and so on and so forth. It gets to be a lot. Donating plasma twice a week doesn't help either. It's draining. I love the fact that I am helping to save lives, and I'm getting money for it (back to that "any way you can" concept), but it really is draining. Physically and mentally. Sitting with a needle in my arm getting my blood pumped in and out of me for an hour and a half every week isn't my favorite thing to do in the whole world. Also, I haven't had the best experiences with it, so that makes it harder to go back. But I keep going. And after it's over for the day, it's worth it, but it gets tiring. My arm always aches, and my fingers are always bruised, but I know it's worth it. After all the plasma I have donated in the past year or so, I wonder where it all is right now. I wonder if MY plasma has saved a precious life. I wish there was some way to know. But, I have no idea. My hope is that I have saved many lives by doing this, and that's why I keep going (and it doesn't hurt that I get paid haha).

Anyway, I think I'm getting off track. The whole point of this blog post is that I feel.....tired. In a weird way. I get more than enough sleep every night and school work is light compared to past semesters. But there is something about this semester that's just hard. I've felt sad, heart broken, forgotten, alone, nervous and angry. But I've also been extremely happy and content and ready to face a new adventure. But facing new adventures is hard for me. Especially when I have to break out of my shell and be something I'm not naturally. That too is draining. It's hard to be something you're not. I AM a happy person and I like being social, but putting myself out there and meeting new people everyday and trying to give them the impression that I'm a really outgoing person and am always happy, is not me. But I see all these couples everywhere and I wonder, how am I going to be one of those couples if I don't put myself out there? I mean, he's not just gonna come to me while I sit in my apartment watching chick flicks and eating ice cream, just wishing I was in love. I guess I'm just sick of actually putting myself out there and getting nothing out of it. So far it's been, not a complete failure, but close (haha), but one day, it won't be a failure! I just wonder when that "one day" will be here.

Last semester, I got used to having someone there, and being one of those couples, but when it ended, I thought it would be easier than it's actually been. I'm not someone who has done a whole lot of dating. I'm pretty used to being single. But the past month, I've had a hard time with it. I liked not being single for a while, and although the relationship wasn't going to work out, and I knew that, it didn't mean that I wanted to be single again (haha funny how that works), and for some reason, it's been hard. Well, harder than I thought it would be. So, I've found ways to get my mind off of it, like running and biking 4 hours every week and pushing myself to make and keep these goals. Not only does exercising get my mind off of this stuff, but it makes me feel better about myself. Ya... I feel sad sometimes. I'm going through some trials, but who isn't? Everyone is fighting a hard battle. I feel tired and sometimes I just want to give up and throw in the towel, but where is that gonna get me? It's never really over, no matter how badly you want to give up. So, it's up to me how I wanna do this thing.

People, Places and Airplanes

I think it's fascinating how you can be in the same place as someone, and an hour later, you can be hundreds of miles apart. Right now I'm sitting at the Airport, waiting for my flight back to Salt Lake City so I can be on my way back to school in Idaho. There's a flight boarding for San Diego, and as I watch all of these people walk on to the plane, I think about how in a few hours, they will be in California, and I'll be in Idaho but right now, we are face to face. So many different people from different backgrounds all going to different places. It's so interesting to think about how these people have come into your life for a minute or even 20 minutes, but like that, they're gone. Where could all these people be going? And why? What brought them here at this time, the same time as me? Why has God put them in my path at this time? Is there really a reason? I once heard someone say to think about how many millions of people there are in this world that you will never come in contact with, so don't you think that those that are put in your path are put there for a reason? I would think so. Maybe they are just there for your entertainment, maybe there is something you're supposed to learn from them, or maybe they are just there to make you think about why they're there. I just think it's a pretty thought provoking subject. So, one of my new years goals is to pay more attention to the people around me and figure out why God has put them in my life. If there's a reason, I intend to know what it is :)